Final Dress Rehearsal

There is a saying in the theatre that a bad final dress rehearsal insures a great opening night. I sure hope so!

When I reflect on last week, I really need to consider last Tuesday as a 'final dress rehearsal.'  Due to conflicts in a multitude of schedules my first week of work, for all practical purposes, was really postponed to this week EXCEPT for one session at an area elementary school.

Thank god for the opportunity to have that 'final dress rehearsal'.  It's not that the session was horrible; I honestly can't define the class as bad. Nothing went wrong, nothing "didn't work."  The sinking feeling I had by the end of the class had nothing to do with the content, which was fine.  The activities I selected certainly provided me a point of entry into the work and a basic, fundamental sense of the six elementary students I will be working with.  And it had NOTHING to do with the students themselves...they were great!

No, my disappointment lies within myself.  I was tentative; I played it safe.  I was nervous.  I was so worried about whether or not things would work; so concerned that the students would have a good point of entry and that the class would be "productive" that I ended up holding on too tight to the lesson.  It didn't flow, it lacked spontaneity.  Bottom line, I held on too tight and because I didn't truly own the lesson, all I could do was hang on to it rather than release it and share it. The result...a stiff set of activities delivered from a place of anxiety, rather than a place of passion, or play, or adventure.

I need to uncurl my fingers...to let go.  I need to remind myself to enjoy the process, the pleasure, the adventure.  I need to relish the risk and to be willing to teach in the moment.  I need to be willing to and open to failing.

Creativity coach Julia Cameron talks about the need for all artists to be willing to be a beginner...willing to try something new in order to force ourselves, really challenge ourselves, to re-experience the joy in learning...to remember what it is like to be led by our own curiosity, our own passions, our own frustrations, in order to make discoveries!

I am a beginner again.  And it feels "scarily" wonderful.

So...here's to "opening" night.  I release my grip and eagerly and passionately and enthusiastically wait for the curtain to rise, open to not only the possibility of discovery, but the discovery of possibilities.